Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Shout out to Allie!

Pimp my Protein Shake! OMG thank you so much for Sweet Potato goodness! Check this out!

http://pimpmyproteinshake.blogspot.com/2010/03/paula-deen-sweet-potato-pie-shake.html

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Stripped

I think that every woman should have a moment where they look in the mirror stark naked and admire themselves. It’s healthy for the soul to sit back and feel like you’re beautiful. No one has to tell you – no one has to say a word. You can just look at the nakedness of your body and say “I was made perfect, and damn it, today I’m beautiful. Every day, I’m beautiful.”


I had my “beautiful” moment today. I was able to get the midget to bed early and I ran a hot bath. Loaded with my favorite bubble bath, I sank down in the tub and let the hot water take me to places that I had not been in a long time. I remembered the moments where I felt ugly and unwanted and disgusting and I let them soak in the water and wash down the drain. And then I got out of the tub.

The journey since my surgery has been tough – I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I know that Dr. Cavazos will be happy that I am 45 pounds lighter than I was at surgery. This has been such an emotional journey for me – I’m taking so many vitamins and trying to keep up with my protein shake regimen as best I can. My life has changed – my body tells me what it will and won’t tolerate. The nausea that overcomes me when that happens is horrid, but I’m learning to listen to my reconstructed stomach. I’ve dropped two dress sizes and am now in between the size that I was when I delivered Akaiylyn and the size I was when I met my husband. If I go down two more dress sizes, I’ll be at the size I was at my lightest weight. I feel so different than I did when I started this journey. I never believed that I would lose weight this fast and feel this good. I feel like a new person, but I still succumb to temptation. Some days I feel like being normal, and I pay for it mercilessly. But those days pass and come, and I have far more good days than bad.

So, as I stood in the mirror and looked at myself, I thought, “Wow, you’re pretty beautiful.” It’s been a long time since I’ve said that to myself. And what’s crazy is this time, I knew I meant it.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Aftermath

Well, let’s go back to Monday. I got to the hospital around 6:15am. I was a little late, but it was negligible – they weren’t ready for me anyway. Once I got to the hospital, I found out that the lap band procedure would be performed first (since it is an outpatient procedure) and then the three gastric bypasses would be done after that. I was really nervous – a lot of tears, a lot of loneliness. Dr. Cavazos was so sweet about it. Before we went into the operating room, he was like “You know, you don’t have to do this.” I replied, “No, it’s not that I don’t want to do this – I’ve wanted this more than anything for the past year. I’m just having loneliness jitters and I miss my family. But THIS is what I want. I’m ready to rock and roll.” He smiled and we went forward. They took me into the operating room and I was masked. I breathed a couple of times and that’s when things got interesting.


I woke up to a somewhat heavy chest and this HORRIBLE tube down my throat. I was alarmed. The choking sensation was instant and my body immediately revolted against the tube. A nurse finally saw what was happening and dislodged the tube from my throat. I knew that I would be intubated, but waking up to that was completely uncomfortable. After I came out of recovery, they got me into a room and things were okay. They didn’t really stay that way though – I had to get up and walk. Getting out of that bed for the first time was like taking your first steps after a c-section. I felt SOOOooooooo pregnant. But, walking the halls was essential to making sure that I stayed blood clot free and healthy. Thank God there were three of us doing the same thing. Cathy, Maria and I would meet in the hall and walk together, talking about family and how we felt and how HOT our hospital rooms were. We would talk about everything we were looking forward to in the after-process of our journey. Having them there was such a blessing. I was glad to have some company who understood how I was feeling and who I could look at and see almost a mirror image of myself.

The second day in the hospital was MUCH better than the first. Instead of morphine by IV, they finally gave me something by mouth – and Loratab is loads better than morphine for this surgery. Since morphine has no anti-inflammatory component, the only thing it was really treating was the pain. Loratab is completely different. On the second day, I was able to do more laps, breathe easier and expel more of the gas that they used to inflate my abdomen to get to my stomach. Being able to get rid of that air made the pressure from the incisions easier to bear. The nurses said that our little group was infamous in the nurses’ station. One of the techs called us a “good group” because we lean on each other in order for all of us to succeed. That was comforting. I spent most of the time while I was in my room reading a Jodi Picoult book. I figured that if I took a novel that I know would have me emotionally riveted, I could keep my mind off of feeling lonely and missing Richard. Monday he called like six times. Tuesday he called a couple. It kind of hurt to see everyone else with their families surrounding them giving them support. I wanted to have my family and friends there – it just wasn’t in my plan. But, I digress…..

Wednesday morning I went down for my upper GI. One of the things that I like about this hospital is that they seem to be extremely thorough about making sure everything is EXACTLY how it should be before you are discharged from the hospital. Cathy and I went down for our upper GI’s together. We passed with flying colors! Maria passed hers too, so we were all ready to be discharged. The last thing that they had to do was remove my staples and the drain that I had been wearing all week. I was frightened of them pulling the drain, but there wasn’t really any pain. It was more so an eerie feeling like someone was running their finger over my intestines. Cathy held my hand and I was alright. I talked to one of the nurses about Concordia as an option for school. I really love the staff at the college I attend – they are always so nice to me and make me feel included in pretty much so all of my processes. I tried to attend my Org Comm. Class by phone, but I was having a lot of pain so I signed off of the call. I feel bad for not being able to attend the whole thing.

Today, I’m at Marium’s and I feel pretty good. I just took my pain meds – I’m not in GREAT pain, but it makes it so I can function close to normal. I’m moving around a lot (like the doctor told me to do) and trying to get in all of my water for the day (which is a lot harder than I thought it would be). So far, everything seems positive. I’m not really having a lot of cravings. Marium and her family are able to eat around me and I don’t feel any desire to stray off of the path I’m on, even when she talks about BBQ and candy and all of those things. I know that later on my journey, I’ll be able to eat some of the things that I used to enjoy – just not as much as I used to eat. I can remember feeling so guilty about eating so much in one sitting. Now that I have a tool to help me succeed, I think things will be a lot different. But, as a precaution to make sure, I do think that I am going to start seeing a psychologist again. With Richard being 1600 miles away and this surgery being one of my defining victories, I need someone who can help me process all of this. I think that would be excellent for my healing and life change.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

T-Minus

I'm about 45 minutes form starting the magnesium citrate (in other words, the stuff that is going to make me shit for the next 24 hours so that my stomach will be clean). No solid foods for at least the next month. I start my liquid diet today - then restart it the day after surgery, hopefully. I'm nervous. Akaiylyn is still asleep - we had a really late night last night. I think I walked in the door about three am from being at Marium's house. I put her on the couch, grabbed my comforter and fell asleep in front of the TV next to my baby. It was a good way to spend a Saturday night.

I had my "last meal" with Marium last night. We went to IHOP and had an omelet and pancakes. They were so good. What was better is that I had someone to laugh with and share that moment. It made me feel good inside to be in the company of a friend. The longer Marium and I know each other, the more I like her. She's such a kind spirit and she's done so much for me and my family. I'm just happy that she's a part of my life. I'm actually spending the night over her house tonight. She's going to get up tomorrow morning and take me to the hospital. She and her family are keeping Akaiylyn while I'm at Northeast Baptist - something that I'm so grateful for. I don't like my baby being with just anybody, and I know that Akaiylyn will be comfortable being with Austin, Christian, Isaiah and Justice.

Before Marium and I went out for my "last meal," we went to a little party for the kids and the ending of their football season. It was me, Marium, the boys and their friend Romeo. It was so great watching them have a good time. It reminded me of youth, and how precious it is. People should see the blissful moment in watching a group of kids dance with no inhibitions; no worry that the people around them are going to laugh or they'll look awkward when they move. I loved it. Austin was getting it on the dance floor! I was so proud of him! Christian was right along with him and Isaiah has a level of energy that I've never seen! He was running around all night long! It was wonderful watching them - it did my spirit good to see that. It made me bask in the fact that after all of this is over I will be healthier to expand my family. Maybe in a couple of years I'll be able to watch Akaiylyn and the future children that I may have do the same things... and feel as proud as i know Marium felt.

The Saints kicked the Cardinal's ass. That was beautiful to watch. (And this is totally against my character, but...) I hope Dallas beats the Vikings today so that The Saints and the Cowboys can face each other and the cowpatties can eat a little bit of New Orleans Whoopazz. I HATE the Cowboys,and I want to see the Saints go to the Superbowl. But i want the Saints to have to go through the Cowpatties in order to do it - that would be sweet justice. IT would make me feel good. ;)

Akaiylyn has just gotten up - she's tucked in between my arms on the couch eating Cheerios. But there will be more to come today - I just know it! Until then...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Return to Innocence

I was sitting here thinking about the past; I was running lazy thoughts through my head a I glanced at my daughter, peacefully sleeping beside me, huddled in a mass of blankets. My thoughts took me back to a different time in my life – when the absurdities of adulthood didn’t exist and I was somewhat at peace. New Jack Swing was in its downfall and I was an irregularly shaped kid who was obsessed with Enigma and becoming a journalist. I had a season’s pass to the two amusement parks in my area, but I loved to swim. I would frequent Water Country just to have a chance to swim in the wave pool. A pool that large and full of so many people made me feel less awkward – I knew that I could be inconspicuous amongst the growing crowd. I would spend my summers there; shoulders sunburned from the heat and belly full of all of the overpriced junk food that I could cram into it without interrupting my love of the water. Phil Collin’s “Hold on my Heart” blasted over the loudspeakers…. And this peace would come flowing over me as if that place was where I was meant to be, if only for a second.


Lovers would pass, arm in arm with their double tubes and matching attire and parts of me would long for that interaction. For me, I was just another fat kid in an ugly, ill-fitting bathing suit – somewhere between the lot of a cow and a whale. I would never be the skinny girl in the bikini, with someone’s arms wrapped around her midsection kissing the nape of her neck. It was my role to watch from the sidelines and envy with controlled contempt. After a while, I stopped punishing myself. I haven’t been to Water Country since high school. I walked away from that place on my last visit hearing the group that would soundtrack my life – Enigma. Between “Sadeness” and “Return to Innocence,” one or the other seems to play every time I strike out into independent abandon. As time as progressed, people like Moby and Bjork have been added to the list, but the tone has always stayed a similar wave of new age familiarity. A calmness….

I think of those times now. I have a husband whom I love with every breath of my being. After all of this is over, will we “return to innocence” and act like carefree lovers, kissing under a Virginia sky. Maybe we’ll share a double intertube and float lazily down the waterpaths – or maybe shoot down some slide in a wave of excitement. Maybe in a year I’ll be able to put on my first bikini… and not look like the women on the front of novelty shop cards that are there to amuse. One can be hopeful.

We’ll celebrate our fifth anniversary this year. He wanted to go to Belgium, but will be out to sea on the actual date of our anniversary. I can appreciate a man that would come up with a trip idea based on two of my favorite things: good beer and good cookies. LOL Both of which will either be limited or erased from my life after this surgery. But there is still one thing that we can still do together. We can escape into the privacy of our own space, turn on a playlist, and make love to our own private soundtrack as if we were that young couple kissing underneath the Virginia sky….

Richard, I love you so much…..


That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.

If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

Return to Innocence - Engima

Friday, January 8, 2010

Just stupid

Sometimes I think I am ridiculously stupid. I don’t think that is a bad thing to say about myself either. I think that parts of my personality make me intelligent to many things, but I also feel that the opposite is true. Parts of my personality make me notoriously naïve and seem like a blithering idiot. Part of my personality make me extremely grounded, while parts of my personality make me crazy – stark raving mad. I acknowledge this – I think that is part of the process of being an adult. But I’ll never apologize. What and who I’ve been in the last thirty years has made me into the well rounded person that I currently am. It makes me entertaining, yet easy to talk to. It makes me dynamic, yet predictable on some accounts. People who know me know that I love hard. But alongside that, they know I hurt harder. I am no angel, but I am a person of ethics and principles. I am proud of my heritage, but I embrace EVERY part of my history that makes the lineages of my ancestors that much more unique. I have a notoriously goofy side, but I strive to learn in every aspect of my being. I am dedicated to everything and everyone who chooses to be a part of my existence, and that in itself gets me into more trouble than it’s sometimes worth. I would think one would want to correct that, but I don’t believe in abandoning others, even if they are lost causes.


I have many associates, but few friends. I have never has to tell anyone in my inner circle that they are there – I try to make it as evident as possible by the love that I exude. I’ve felt heartache many times in my life, but have only been heartbroken five times in my life.

I wouldn’t say that writing this is an attempt to explain myself to anyone – It’s more of a moment of reflection. In nine days, I will go under the most anesthesia that I’ve even been under in my life. The last time I was unconscious was when I had my tonsils out at the age of twelve. The most serious procedure I’ve ever had was a caesarean, which brought forth the last greatest life change that has occurred in my life – the birth of my daughter. The last couple of days have been a wave of thoughts, woven together by two simple ideas:

1) My life is going to be drastically different

2) And there is a possibility that I won’t wake up.

I know how morbid that sounds. People go through bypass surgeries every day. People live with WLS and do extraordinarily well. But I am afraid of failure. I look at the loads of medications that I take every day to keep my healthy and in the corners of my mind I wonder if the very illnesses that I want to cure with this procedure will contribute to some unfortunate complication – and that scares the living shit out of me. I’ve prayed more over the last couple of weeks than I have ever prayed in my life. I know that everything in life is God’s Will, but I still wonder what that really is… and if I have patterned my life against what God has wanted it to be. In simpler words, I’m just scared.

Monday, January 18th 2010 is the beginning of my journey… and I wish I could share it with the people I love. And I’m not mad at them because circumstances make it impossible for them to be here. I’m just saddened that I’ll go into the operating room knowing that the only face that I’ll see after everything is said and done is a nurse checking my blood pressure and administering medication. That’s such a lonely feeling…. And maybe this feeling is just me being ridiculously stupid, I imagine.

I just needed to vent. I am a creature of always trying to plan – and they say when people plan, God laughs. I’m sure God is laughing at me right now.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Donny Hathaway Moment...

I'm sitting here in bed; my three year old s passed out next to me while I'm blasting some Donny trying to focus and not be depressed. I was in Virginia for two weeks and I miss my family so much. I miss my husband.... I know these are simple thoughts, but they are the truth - the most true feelngs that I can express at this moment. I miss being held,... touched.... carressed....loved. And I know the situaton is temporary, but it doesn't hurt any less. So now, as Donny's voice fills my ears, it makes me crave the person I can't see. It makes me want something unobtainable at thie moment. And I'm sad.

My surgery is coming close. I'm really nervous. Some friends were supposed to be coming into town, but it looks lke I'll be doing this one on my own. My husband will be underway and he can't get leave. So,... those moments where all I'll have to think about is transiton and recovery, it will be alone. I'll be rolled down the hallway and into the operating room alone. I'll begin this journey,... alone. And I'm scared out of my mind. It would be nice to have a hand to hold - someone to be there when I come out of anesthesia. But that's not my reality at the moment. I have pre-op on Thursday. I'm doing everything to clean up and disinfect and scrub the house so I won't have to think about any of it once I get back to the house. I keep trying to focus on the fact that the ends justify the means and if this is the struggle I have to go through in order to get some sort of redemption from my weight and my diabetes, then in the end it will be all worth it. I'll continue to write about my experiences and document every laugh, cry, and frustration until I reach my goal - being free of my burden.

So,... for the moment I'm going to let this last Donny song play and then read a little to take me to sleep. Surely the peace and quiet of a nocturnal lullaby will brng me some clarity in the dawn.

Blessings