I'm sitting here in bed; my three year old s passed out next to me while I'm blasting some Donny trying to focus and not be depressed. I was in Virginia for two weeks and I miss my family so much. I miss my husband.... I know these are simple thoughts, but they are the truth - the most true feelngs that I can express at this moment. I miss being held,... touched.... carressed....loved. And I know the situaton is temporary, but it doesn't hurt any less. So now, as Donny's voice fills my ears, it makes me crave the person I can't see. It makes me want something unobtainable at thie moment. And I'm sad.
My surgery is coming close. I'm really nervous. Some friends were supposed to be coming into town, but it looks lke I'll be doing this one on my own. My husband will be underway and he can't get leave. So,... those moments where all I'll have to think about is transiton and recovery, it will be alone. I'll be rolled down the hallway and into the operating room alone. I'll begin this journey,... alone. And I'm scared out of my mind. It would be nice to have a hand to hold - someone to be there when I come out of anesthesia. But that's not my reality at the moment. I have pre-op on Thursday. I'm doing everything to clean up and disinfect and scrub the house so I won't have to think about any of it once I get back to the house. I keep trying to focus on the fact that the ends justify the means and if this is the struggle I have to go through in order to get some sort of redemption from my weight and my diabetes, then in the end it will be all worth it. I'll continue to write about my experiences and document every laugh, cry, and frustration until I reach my goal - being free of my burden.
So,... for the moment I'm going to let this last Donny song play and then read a little to take me to sleep. Surely the peace and quiet of a nocturnal lullaby will brng me some clarity in the dawn.
Blessings
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