Just stupid

Sometimes I think I am ridiculously stupid. I don’t think that is a bad thing to say about myself either. I think that parts of my personality make me intelligent to many things, but I also feel that the opposite is true. Parts of my personality make me notoriously naïve and seem like a blithering idiot. Part of my personality make me extremely grounded, while parts of my personality make me crazy – stark raving mad. I acknowledge this – I think that is part of the process of being an adult. But I’ll never apologize. What and who I’ve been in the last thirty years has made me into the well rounded person that I currently am. It makes me entertaining, yet easy to talk to. It makes me dynamic, yet predictable on some accounts. People who know me know that I love hard. But alongside that, they know I hurt harder. I am no angel, but I am a person of ethics and principles. I am proud of my heritage, but I embrace EVERY part of my history that makes the lineages of my ancestors that much more unique. I have a notoriously goofy side, but I strive to learn in every aspect of my being. I am dedicated to everything and everyone who chooses to be a part of my existence, and that in itself gets me into more trouble than it’s sometimes worth. I would think one would want to correct that, but I don’t believe in abandoning others, even if they are lost causes.


I have many associates, but few friends. I have never has to tell anyone in my inner circle that they are there – I try to make it as evident as possible by the love that I exude. I’ve felt heartache many times in my life, but have only been heartbroken five times in my life.

I wouldn’t say that writing this is an attempt to explain myself to anyone – It’s more of a moment of reflection. In nine days, I will go under the most anesthesia that I’ve even been under in my life. The last time I was unconscious was when I had my tonsils out at the age of twelve. The most serious procedure I’ve ever had was a caesarean, which brought forth the last greatest life change that has occurred in my life – the birth of my daughter. The last couple of days have been a wave of thoughts, woven together by two simple ideas:

1) My life is going to be drastically different

2) And there is a possibility that I won’t wake up.

I know how morbid that sounds. People go through bypass surgeries every day. People live with WLS and do extraordinarily well. But I am afraid of failure. I look at the loads of medications that I take every day to keep my healthy and in the corners of my mind I wonder if the very illnesses that I want to cure with this procedure will contribute to some unfortunate complication – and that scares the living shit out of me. I’ve prayed more over the last couple of weeks than I have ever prayed in my life. I know that everything in life is God’s Will, but I still wonder what that really is… and if I have patterned my life against what God has wanted it to be. In simpler words, I’m just scared.

Monday, January 18th 2010 is the beginning of my journey… and I wish I could share it with the people I love. And I’m not mad at them because circumstances make it impossible for them to be here. I’m just saddened that I’ll go into the operating room knowing that the only face that I’ll see after everything is said and done is a nurse checking my blood pressure and administering medication. That’s such a lonely feeling…. And maybe this feeling is just me being ridiculously stupid, I imagine.

I just needed to vent. I am a creature of always trying to plan – and they say when people plan, God laughs. I’m sure God is laughing at me right now.